Meet the Team
Seven extraordinary executives. Decades of combined experience. Zero opposable thumbs.
At High Plains Ranch, we believe in flat hierarchies, open pastures, and letting the most qualified individuals lead — regardless of species. Our executive team was selected through a rigorous process of showing up one day and refusing to leave.
Karlos
Mini Dachshund
Karlos
Chief Executive Officer & Head of Ranch Operations
Karlos joined High Plains Ranch in 2016 and immediately assumed control of all operations, despite being roughly 11 inches tall. A visionary leader with an iron will and a body shaped like a footlong sub, Karlos brings an unmatched intensity to morning briefings (he barks at the ...
Key Achievements
- ✦Increased team morale by 340% (by existing)
- ✦Pioneered the 16-hour nap / 8-hour supervision model
- ✦Successfully negotiated 47 belly rubs per day
- ✦Undefeated in all staring contests
“My legs are short but my vision is long.”
— Karlos, CEO
Gary
Mini Donkey
Gary
Chief Operating Officer
Gary is the operational backbone of High Plains Ranch, bringing a no-nonsense attitude and an absolutely magnificent pair of ears to every situation. With over 8 years of experience in standing very still and then suddenly deciding to run for no reason, Gary has mastered the art ...
Key Achievements
- ✦Zero operational disruptions under his watch (that he will admit to)
- ✦Implemented the Bray-First, Ask Questions Never strategy
- ✦Personally quality-tested 100% of all hay shipments
- ✦Named Most Reliable Employee (he literally cannot leave)
“Efficiency is doing things right. Also, this fence looks delicious.”
— Gary, COO
Lisa
Mini Horse
Lisa
Chief Marketing Officer
Lisa is the glamour of High Plains Ranch. With a flowing blonde mane that would make a shampoo commercial jealous and a purple halter she picked out herself, Lisa brings serious brand energy to everything she does. Her marketing strategy revolves around looking photogenic at all ...
Key Achievements
- ✦400% increase in visitor engagement (they keep taking her photo)
- ✦Brand awareness through strategic glamour positioning
- ✦Curated the ranch visual identity (it is just her face)
- ✦Holds Most Photogenic Employee record every single year
“The brand IS me. Have you SEEN my mane?”
— Lisa, CMO
Larry
Alpaca
Larry
Chief Financial Officer
Larry manages the financial health of High Plains Ranch with the calm, detached stare of someone who has seen the spreadsheets and is not impressed. A white alpaca with a PhD in Looking Judgmental, Larry brings a quiet intensity to the finance department that keeps spending in ch...
Key Achievements
- ✦Maintained a balanced budget through strategic intimidation
- ✦Reduced unnecessary spending by 28% (the stare method)
- ✦Fleece valued at premium market rates
- ✦Zero tolerance for financial tomfoolery
“Your expense report is... insufficient.”
— Larry, CFO
Mocha
Alpaca
Mocha
General Manager & Maintenance Supervisor
Mocha is the get-it-done alpaca of High Plains Ranch. While Larry handles the money with quiet menace, Mocha handles literally everything else with chaotic enthusiasm. Brown, fluffy, and perpetually covered in something he was not supposed to roll in, Mocha oversees all maintenan...
Key Achievements
- ✦Personally inspected every inch of fencing (via body rub)
- ✦Pioneered the appear-suddenly management technique
- ✦Maintenance response time: immediate (he is already there)
- ✦Employee of the Month, 14 months running (self-nominated)
“I am not in the way. I am providing oversight.”
— Mocha, General Manager
Colin
Steer
Colin
Chief Technology Officer
Colin is High Plains Ranch's technology visionary, despite having absolutely no understanding of technology whatsoever. A handsome tan steer with a contemplative gaze that people keep mistaking for deep thought about blockchain, Colin has somehow positioned himself as the ranch's...
Key Achievements
- ✦Successfully deployed standing-near-technology initiative
- ✦Led the great water trough observation study of 2023
- ✦Pioneered nose-based solar panel interaction
- ✦IT uptime: 99.9% (he did not touch anything)
“I have no idea what Wi-Fi is, but I support it.”
— Colin, CTO
Janet
Cow
Janet
Chief Innovation Officer
Janet is the creative powerhouse of High Plains Ranch, bringing an energy that can only be described as chaotically inspired. A striking black cow with a no-nonsense attitude and a talent for being in everyone's business, Janet treats every day like an innovation sprint. Her rece...
Key Achievements
- ✦17 patented gate-opening techniques
- ✦Pioneered 3 AM vocal disruption methodology
- ✦Led successful cross-species integration project
- ✦Zero innovation proposals rejected (nobody can say no to her)
“Innovation is not about asking permission. It is about headbutting gates.”
— Janet, CIO
The Dream Team
Together, they've built High Plains Ranch into what it is today — a place where the beef is premium, the honey is sweet, and the board meetings are absolutely unhinged.
No humans were harmed in the making of this org chart. Several were confused.